What Is Domestic Violence?
The Cycle of Violence
Why Partners Stay in
Battering Relationships
Myths About Battering

Many people who know little about domestic violence will say things like, "if it's so bad, why doesn't the person just leave the relationship? Who would put up with stuff like that?" They may even think, "The person must really like being abused," or "She (he) must be exaggerating, if things were that serious, she (he) would never stay."

Unfortunately, leaving a battering relationship is rarely so simple. There are many reasons that an abused partner stays. Here are just a few of them:

1. Fear for the children. The abused person may fear that the batterer will successfully gain custody over the children and abuse them. The batterer may have threatened to harm the children in retaliation if the partner leaves, or attempts to leave. The batterer may have threatened to take the children and disappear forever if the abused parent reports the abuse to anyone, calls police, or attempts to leave. An abused mother may believe that she will not be able to support her children by herself if she leaves. The abused person may believe (wrongly, but sincerely) that the disruption in the children's lives will traumatize them more than the abuse.
   
   
2. Financial dependence on the batterer. Many batterers deliberately isolate their partners, cutting them off from work experience, useful contacts, and educational opportunities to keep them helpless and dependent. An abused person who has been in a violent relationship for a long time may feel that he or she will never be self-supporting. Women who leave violent partners, especially with children, often are choosing a life of near-poverty if they have no support network to help them. Women still make only 70% of a man's salary for exactly equivalent work experience and training. Abused men may be unable to find employment conmensurate with their qualifications because they've been out of the workplace too long. Abused men may also find themselves saddled with heavy child support payments. Some employers are reluctant to hire workers who have been in violent relationships because batterers have been known to stalk, harass, and even murder their partners in the workplace.
   
   In a few relationships, especially gay/lesbian ones, the abused person has the opposite problem. The batterer is a sponger who has made him or herself financially dependent on the partner. The batterer has found excuses to quit his or her job and move in with the partner, and plays on every kind of guilt tactic possible to make the partner reluctant to stop supporting the batterer, despite the abusive behavior.
   
   
3. The batterer is threatening the abused person with legal consequences for leaving. The batterer may have convinced the abused partner that he or she has "got something" on the partner and will create legal problems if the abused person leaves. The batterer may threaten to turn the partner into the police on real or trumped-up charges. The batterer may have connections with law enforcement, authorities, or government that gives him (her) the power (or the ability to plausibly claim the power) to "pull strings" and get the abused partner arrested or jailed. The batterer may threaten to turn the abused partner over to Immigration, have the partner deported, report that the partner has molested the children, or tell the partner's "zero tolerance" employers that he or she uses drugs. Whatever the threat, the abused partner fears the power of a harsh legal system and the threatened social, legal and economic disasters more than the abuse of the batterer.
   
   
4. The abused person may believe there is absolutely no where else to go. Because so many batterers isolate their partners and control their social contacts, many abused persons have no friends that are not known to the batterer. The abused person's family may be far away, unsupportive, or estranged from the person. The abused person may not have any family. The abused person's friends may fear the batterer or have been threatened by him or her, and be too afraid to help the partner. Many abused persons have no idea how to find their local domestic violence agency, or would be afraid to attempt contacting the agency for fear of enraging the batterer. There are very few resources, and almost no shelters, available for abused heterosexual or gay men.
   
   
5. The abused person has religious or cultural beliefs about staying in the relationship. An abused person with strong traditional beliefs about marriage, male/female hierarchies, obedience to one's spouse and fidelity to one's partner may find it difficult to leave an abusive partner. The abused person may also have strong pressure from his or her family, church, or cultural community to try to "work things out." An abused man may believe he must protect his partner "for better or worse."
   
   
6. In spite of everything, the abused person still loves the batterer. The abused partner may believe that the batterer is really a good person at heart and really loves the partner. The abused partner may blame substance abuse, psychological problems, external stress or her (him) self for the abuse. The abused partner may believe that the batterer is sick or in crisis and needs to be taken care of by the partner. The abused person may have many memories of "the good times" before or between violent episodes. The abused person may believe that the affectionate outpourings of the "honeymoon" phases are the batterer's "real self." The person may still cling to the hopes and dreams that were built during courtship of a happy life with the batterer. Many partners of batterers are ambivalent. They want the abuse to end--not the relationship.
   
   
7. The abused partner has lived with violence for years and may think it's "normal". The abused person may have grown up in a violent family where one parent battered the other. The abused person may have been abused or molested as a child, or have been raised in a violent cultural environment. The abused person may never have had a model for a healthy relationship. The person may believe that it's normal and acceptable to hit people you love when you're angry.
   
   
8. The abused person is so traumatized by the batterer's violence that he or she can't act freely. Repeated, irrational abuse of the kind described in the Cycle of Violence can create a psychological response called "learned helplessness." The abused person has come to believe that no action or response will make any difference--that he or she is powerless to change the circumstances. The abused person may be deeply depressed. Depression makes it very difficult for individuals to motivate themselves to find help and take risks. Many abused persons begin to internalize their batterer's constant verbal abuse and put-downs. They start to really believe that no one would ever take their stories of abuse seriously, that they're worthless, stupid, incompetent, bad parents, unattractive, that no one but the batterer could ever love them or want them. The abused person may believe that somehow, he or she must be doing something wrong to cause the abuse, and that in some way, it's justified and deserved.
   
   
9. The abused person believes that if he or she leaves the relationship, the batterer will kill him or her. And the abused person may be right. The most dangerous time for any abused partner is when she (or he) tries to leave the batterer. This is the time when the risk of homicide is highest. The batterer may have told the partner directly that she (he) would be killed for trying to leave. The batterer may have indicated that he (she) would "never let you go," "never let anyone else have you," never stop looking for the partner and would track the partner down wherever he or she went. Some abused persons are never out of danger, even if the batterer is incarcerated for several years, and the abused partner moves to another state and changes names. It may be all the abused person's life is worth to try to leave.