What Is Domestic Violence?
The Cycle of Violence
Why Partners Stay in
Battering Relationships
Myths About Battering

Battering rarely occurs constantly in a relationship. It often follows a three-part pattern known as the Cycle of Violence (The Cycle of Violence was first developed by Dr. Leonore Walker in 1980).

• STAGE ONE: The Buildup
  During this period of time, there is a slow, steady increase in tension between the battering partner and the abused person. There are petty arguments, complaining, or minor physical abuse like slapping or pushing. Often the batterer seems to be trying to deliberately provoke his or her partner with annoying or hurtful behaviors. The batterer may embarrass the abused partner in front of other people, stay out late, spend money irresponsibly, be unfaithful, drink or use drugs--whatever will "pick a fight." The abused partner tries to placate the batterer and wait out his or her "moods," hoping that this time things will "blow over" or that the batterer is simply "going through a bad time." However, the abused person's patience and/or coping strategies finally wear thin.
  
  
• STAGE TWO: The Explosion
  The tension in the relationship finally reaches a "breaking point." The abused partner says or does something that the batterer uses as an excuse for exploding into a rage and letting go of self-control. The batterer may destroy property, carry out threats of harm to children or pets, and/or physically assault the abused partner. The batterer may rationalize that he or she only wants to "make a point" or "teach my partner a lesson" but the abuse continues until the tension has been relieved, the batterer is exhausted, or something (such as the police) intervenes.
  
  After the violent episode is over, both partners usually feel shock, disbelief and denial. Both tend to rationalize away the reasons for the episode. The abused partner will tend to minimize and conceal physical injuries, as well as his or her emotions about damage or harm done to possessions, pets or children. For the next 24 hours, the abused partner will often retreat into isolation, and from that point into a period of listlessness, depression and feelings of helplessness.
  
  
• STAGE THREE: The "Honeymoon"
  During this stage, the batterer expresses remorse and guilt, and tries to "make it up to" the abused partner. The batterer may pour out apologies and self-recrimination (often with tears), and promise never to repeat the provoking behaviors of Stage One. The abused partner may be barraged with gifts, flowers, cards, special treats, and other displays of romantic affection--but usually with an underlying message of possession and entitlement ("You will always be mine.").
  
  The abused partner falls into the trap of feeling encouraged. He or she hopes that the batterer's promises of reform and apparent kindness are genuine and that this time, they'll last. Sometimes the abused partner believes that the batterer is revealing a desperate, lonely "true inner self" which only the partner can redeem through love and loyalty. Also, the abused partner is often starved for the kind of overt affection and nurturing that only occurs after a violent episode, and wants to believe that the batterer's "real self" is coming through at those times. Inevitably, however, Stage Three fades out and the slowly escalating tensions of Stage One begin again.
  
  

This common cycle helps to explain why many abused persons don't leave their batterers until it becomes very difficult for them to do so. The abused partner is in the relationship because he or she loves the batterer, and during Stage Three, the qualities he or she came to love seem to still be there. However, as the cycle repeats, each violent episode will be more extreme, and the abused partner will be more and more traumatized and humiliated. It becomes harder and harder for the abused person to retain the self-respect and autonomy needed to leave the relationship.