Signs that Someone May Be Abused
How Battering Affects the Abused Partner
How to Help in a Domestic Violence Situation
"What Could I Say?" How to Open a Dialogue
What NOT to Do or Say

If you become aware that a friend, neighbor or co-worker is in an abusive relationship, you may want to do everything you can to help. Unfortunately, it's possible to do or say things that are not helpful and may be disastrous for the abused person or you. Be aware of these possible pitfalls!

• Don't put yourself in danger. Police dread domestic calls because they can be the most dangerous of all for the responding officer. A violent batterer who is beating an intimate partner may also assault anyone who "interferes" or invades the home. The batterer may have weapons to hand and be ready to use them. The best way to assist the abused person in a violent situation is to avoid confronting the batterer directly. Call the police if you witness a violent incident. When approaching the abused person, do so with discretion. The less aware the batterer is of you and your efforts to help, the better it is for both you and the abused partner.
  
  
• Don't do anything that will make things worse for the abused person. Don't intervene with the batterer on the person's behalf, and try to convince the batterer that "you shouldn't treat your partner that way." The batterer will likely retaliate against the abused partner after you're gone. A jealous and irrational batterer may accuse the abused partner of having an affair with you, and react by assaulting both of you. (Batterers have murdered suspected lovers of their partners, with and without a shred of evidence of any "affair.") Don't offer the abused person advice or resource information when the batterer is present. The batterer may become outraged that the partner is complaining about the abuse.
  
  
• Don't criticize or judge the abused person for not leaving the relationship right away. The person may have many reasons not to leave (See Why Abused Partners Stay). The person still needs your support.
  
  
• Don't judge or criticize the batterer to the abused partner. It may be tempting to tell the abused person what a horrible monster you think the batterer is, as an attempt to show "sympathy" and "support." But you may put the abused person into the position of feeling that the batterer's good qualities must be defended. Criticizing the batterer implicitly criticizes the abused person's judgment, because the abused person is choosing to stay in a relationship with this "monster." Acknowledge that the batterer is a complex human being with many qualities, good and bad. But continue to remind the abused person that statistically, batterers only change for the worse, and that their partners are not to blame for the abuse.
  
  
• Don't tell the abused person what he or she "has" to do. The batterer does quite enough of that. Offer the abused person resources and options; offer practical help (babysitting, transportation, money, use of your phone or computer); offer, more than anything else, your sympathetic, non-judgmental listening.
  
  
• Don't blame the abused person for the abuse. Well-meaning people can re-victimize an abused person with "helpful" advice or questions. Never respond by saying things like,
  • "But why do you put up with that? Just leave!"
  • "But why didn't you just...(clean up the house, put dinner in the microwave, go out to the convenience store for her cigarettes, etc)? Wouldn't it have been easier to avoid the problem?"
  • "If you know that...(getting home late, talking to that person, arguing with your partner) makes your partner mad, why do you do it?"
  Responses like these legitimize the batterer's abuse and make it seem that the anger is a justified, if exaggerated, reaction to failings on the part of the abused partner. They increase the abused person's sense of helplessness, because experience has shown that no matter what the abused person does, it's never enough. The batterer will always find some excuse to abuse. When listening to a story about a specific event, never focus on the apparent "trigger" for the abuse--it's irrelevant. Instead, pay attention to the abused person's traumatization and the severity of the abuse.