If you believe someone is in a battering relationship, but they seem embarrassed or reluctant to talk about it, don't pressure them. Let them know that you're concerned and you're ready to listen. You might say things like,
- "Is everything okay at home? It seems to me that you aren't yourself lately."
- "You know, sometimes relationships (marriage, parenting, dating) can be pretty rough. If you need to talk about anything, I'm here for you."
- "If you ever want to talk, whatever you tell me is between you and me. You can trust me."
- "I'm very concerned about you. It looks like someone is hurting you, and you don't deserve that."
If someone you know has come to you or phoned you and is talking about the abuse in their relationship, listen to them. Let them talk as much as they want and about what they want. Don't blame them for the abuse or tell them what to do (see What Not To Say). Make sure the person is safe when he or she is talking to you--don't discuss an abusive situation where the batterer can overhear. Respond in ways that affirm the person's self-worth, but don't minimize the potential seriousness of the situation. You might say things like:
- "Things will only get worse. Your partner won't change his (her) behavior without help from outside the relationship."
- "I'm very concerned about you. You don't deserve to be abused."
- "You're not alone. There are thousands of people like you."
- "This isn't your fault. There is no excuse for battering a partner, not ever."
- "I'm concerned about your children. Seeing you get hurt is the worst thing that can happen to them. And your partner might start abusing them, too."
Although the abused person may be grateful for your sympathy and support, she or he may not be prepared to leave the relationship. The best way you can help is to continue to listen, be patient, and continue to affirm that the person doesn't deserve abuse, the batterer will not change, and that you're concerned and want to help.
If the person is blaming themselves for an abusive incident, don't feed into her or his self-recrimination. Respond by saying that everyone makes mistakes, but reacting with verbal, sexual, or physical abuse is never justified. If a partner feels that his or her trust has been completely violated, he or she has the right to terminate the relationship. No one has the right to coerce, control, and batter a partner.
If the person is ready to seek serious help, refer them to the local domestic violence agency or other resources. You can help by doing research and finding out as much as you can about these resources, how to contact them, and what services they offer. It may be difficult for an abused person to get that information without angering the batterer.
Accept your limitations. The best thing you can do as a friend, coworker, family member or neighbor is to help the abused person get professional assistance when he or she is ready.
