Signs that Someone May Be Abused
How Battering Affects the Abused Partner
How to Help in a Domestic Violence Situation
"What Could I Say?" How to Open a Dialogue
What NOT to Do or Say

If you suspect, or learn, that someone you know is in an abusive relationship, there are many ways that you can help.

• If you see or hear someone being battered, call 911. Don't endanger yourself by directly intervening in a conflict. A batterer who is assaulting a partner may beat or even murder someone who interferes. But you can and should call the police. If you can safely create a distraction of some kind to divert the batterer's attention and stop the beating, do so.
  
  Be prepared for an ambivalent reaction from the abused partner. The partner may be too afraid of the batterer to press charges and may even deny that any real injuries were inflicted. The partner may be angry at you for "butting in." Don't take it personally. The abused person is humiliated, frightened and traumatized.
  
  Observe the situation as carefully as possible and report everything you saw and heard to the police.
  
  
• Voice concern. Ask the abused person if there's anything you can do to help. If the response is, "no" (and it probably will be, at first), assure the person that you're always there if he or she ever wants your help. Tell the abused person you're worried about her or him, and the children. Tell the abused person that you're ready to listen whenever you're needed.
  
  
• Affirm the abused person's self-esteem. Tell the person that no one deserves to be abused, no matter what excuses the batterer makes. Tell the abused person that you know the batterer's choice to abuse isn't the abused partner's fault, and the abused person has nothing to be ashamed of. Affirm that the abused person understands the situation better than anyone else could, even professional counselors. Listen to what the person says about the situation and believe what is said.
  
  
• Don't pressure the abused person to act. Don't tell the person to leave the relationship, or make statements about what the person "has to do." If the abused partner was ready and able to leave, he or she would have done so by now. Emphasize again that you're concerned for the person's safety, but affirm that you support any decision the person makes.
  
  
• Protect the abused person's confidentiality. If you promise the abused person that everything that is told to you will remain confidential, keep that promise. Many abused persons have difficulty trusting others, which helps keep them isolated.
  
  
• Be a resource. Have information and phone numbers on hand when the abused person is ready for them. Find out what local services are available and how the person can get in touch with them. Many persons in abusive relationships don't know how to contact a domestic violence agency, or even that there are such things. Many don't know that there are shelters for them to go to. It may be difficult for an abused person to research such information without the batterer finding out.
  
  
• Be patient and understanding. It can take a long time for an abused person to leave an abusive relationship. The person may leave and return several times. The person may feel that the relationship can't be broken up until the children are older, or until the abused person has more financial resources. The abused person may continue to hope that the batterer will change. The person still needs your friendship and support.
  
  
• Follow through. If you promise to help, keep those promises. Stay in touch and involved as much as possible.
  
  
• Offer practical assistance. Support, caring and listening are important--but to escape a violent relationship, abused persons often need more concrete forms of aid. Consider whether you can, without compromising your own safety, offer things like:
  • Money to pay for a hotel room under an assumed name
  • Transportation to another state, including moving costs
  • Storage space for several months for belongings, and/or money to pay for it (many abused persons must leave everything they own behind)
  • Help with packing and moving (if this can be done safely)
  • Taking care of the abused person's pets (some abused persons refuse to leave a batterer because they can't take their pets, and won't leave them behind to be abused or killed)
  • Babysitting, or helping with child care costs, so the abused person can get a job to support herself/himself
  • Use of a phone, post office box, or computer