Signs that Someone May Be Abused
How Battering Affects the Abused Partner
How to Help in a Domestic Violence Situation
"What Could I Say?" How to Open a Dialogue
What NOT to Do or Say

Abused persons may be reluctant to talk about what's going on for a number of reasons. They may be afraid to talk about the violence, or have been threatened by the batterer with retaliation if they tell anyone. They may be ashamed to admit that they're being humiliated and beaten by an intimate partner. They may be in denial about the seriousness of their situation. The person in a violent relationship may not react to intervention the way a non-battered person would expect. Understanding how battering affects abused persons can help those around them perceive the situation more accurately and offer the kind of assistance the abused person needs and can accept.

The Impact of Trauma

Battered persons are recognized to suffer similar long-term effects as combat veterans, even when there has been little or no physical violence. Psychologically, living in terror of another's rage, and being controlled against one's will, are as traumatizing as a beating.

• Traumatic events violate the victim's personal integrity at a core level.
• Helplessness and isolation are key components of both psychological trauma and battering. Trauma results when the victim can neither escape nor resist the situation--all learned coping mechanisms have suddenly become useless. The victim is overwhelmed by a sense of chaos and meaninglessness. In the aftermath, the victim feels a loss of control, connectedness and meaning.
• Traumatic events destroy the individual's sense of self, resulting in shame, doubt, guilt, and a belief that the victim has no importance.
• Persons outside the traumatic event, who have never experienced prolonged terror or trauma themselves and who do not understand the effects of coercive methods of control, tend to assume that they would have more courage and resistance than the victim if they were in the same situation. They blame the effects of trauma on the victim's weakness.

Stages of Traumatization

Because domestic violence takes place over the long term, battered persons may go through several stages of traumatization, each one making it more difficult for them to leave the relationship.

• Stage One: When the first incidents of violence occur, the abused partner usually reacts with disbelief. The person may feel ashamed, embarrassed, or think that somehow she (he) provoked the outburst. The person can't believe that an intimate partner would do this to someone who loves them. The abused person hopes that this will be a one-time incident, and often resolves to be a "better wife/husband" or to try harder to do what the partner wants in order to "make things easier." The batterer usually is remorseful and promises never to repeat the incident.
  
  At this stage, an abused person will rarely call for help or tell anyone what's happened. The person will try to change the situation without assistance from outside the relationship. If a friend, neighbor, or other concerned party asks questions ("What was going on at your place last night? Are you okay?" or "How did you get that bruise?") the abused person will deny everything and insist that things are fine.
  
  
• Stage Two: As violent incidents continue, increasing in severity, the abused person enters the second stage. The person may still be making excuses for the batterer, denying the seriousness of the abuse and trying to do everything the batterer wants. But the abused person is beginning to fear for the safety of herself (himself) and the children. The person develops short-term survival skills to use within the relationship, rather than forming long-term goals to escape the relationship.
  
  In this stage, the abused person may seek outside help when violent incidents occur. The person may call the police, social service agencies, emergency hotlines, clergy, friends or family. At this stage the response the person receives has a critical effect. If the abused person is treated seriously and sympathetically, and helped, she or he may be able to move out of the relationship. If, however, the abused person cannot find effective help at this stage, it may lead to a belief that the batterer is right and the abuse is entirely the abused person's fault. The person's feelings of helplessness and worthlessness increase, and the abused partner moves deeper into isolation and despair.
  
  An abused partner in this stage may leave a batterer and return several times, until she or he gains the resolve to leave for good. The abused person is still ambivalent about leaving, and often, still loves the batterer. This can be frustrating for those who are working to help the abused person. It's important for them to understand that domestic violence relationships are complicated, and their continued support for the abused partner is vital.
  
  
• Stage Three: An abused person reaches the third stage after years of battering or repeated life-threatening incidents. By this time, the person feels passive and hopeless. The person's anger has been internalized, resulting in deep depression, shame, feelings of worthlessness, self-mutilation, suicide, or substance abuse. The person feels worthless and guilty, and often suffers from physical complaints such as chronic headaches, asthma, digestive problems, chronic pain, or cancer. Abused men may develop coronary problems from internalized stress. The abused person lives in constant fear, is tense, and may have nightmares, yet accepts the situation and the abuse as "normal." Some abused persons in this stage are diagnosed as paranoid because of their suspicion, lack of trust and extreme coping techniques developed to keep the batterer from getting angry.
  
  An abused person who suffered continued violence or incest from childhood may already have reached Stage 3 by the time he or she marries or enters an adult relationship, and may never have questioned that he or she "deserves" to be abused or that abuse is "normal."
  
  Abused persons in Stage 3 are very difficult to help. They rarely can utilize resources about domestic violence services by themselves or act on their own behalf. They need specialized domestic violence counseling.