Your Rights in a Relationship
Getting a Restraining Order
Going Into a Shelter or Safe Home

Shelters and safe homes were established to assist women and children who were leaving a batterer, and who could not remain in their own homes. If possible, abused women always prefer to stay in their homes after getting a restraining order to keep the batterer away. But many partners of batterers fear for their safety if they don't leave the home and go to a location where the batterer can't find them, at least temporarily. Abused partners who are financially dependent on the batterer may not be able to afford to stay in their homes without the batterer's income. If a woman has no family or support system, and very few personal resources, she may need to seek shelter until she can get a job or welfare benefits and find affordable housing. (At this time, there are no shelters for abused heterosexual men, and only a few safe homes available for abused gay men.)

Safe Homes are short-term living arrangements for women who need to "disappear" for a brief time. They are often utilized by women who are waiting for a restraining order to be served, or for the 10-day hearing that will make a temporary order permanent. They may also help women who have some resources or someplace to go in the long term, but need a few days to complete arrangements. Safe Homes may allow women to stay from one night to about two weeks.

Emergency Domestic Violence Shelters allow women to stay for up to 90 days, or three months. During this time, the woman and her children may receive counseling around domestic violence issues, assistance in obtaining welfare benefits and applying for housing, and other services depending on the size and resources of the shelter and the agency that operates it.

Going into an emergency shelter is a major step. It's somewhat like entering a Witness Protection Program or going "underground." Emergency domestic violence shelters are designed to protect women and children who may be in danger of losing their lives to a homicidal abuser. Even if a particular woman in a shelter may not be at such high risk, the woman in the bedroom next to her might be. Because of this, domestic violence shelters have many restrictions and rules intended to keep everyone in the shelter, guests and staff alike, as secure as possible. These rules may seem rigid and limiting to some women, but they're necessary to keep the most endangered families--and everyone around them--safe.

Life in a Domestic Violence Shelter

Each shelter differs slightly from others in the details of its services and rules. Some shelters provide food, others require women to buy their own groceries. Some shelters give each family its own room, others may "double up" families or have more of a dormitory arrangement. Some shelters are staffed twenty-four hours a day, others are not. However, nearly all of them have a number of things in common.

Most shelters are set up in a group living arrangement. Families have their own rooms, but share common areas, kitchens, recreation rooms, and bathrooms. Shelter guests work together on keeping these areas clean, and often, in cooking meals for the entire household. Living in a shelter is a little like joining a commune or "intentional community"--without the intention, and without being able to choose who you're living with. This means that everyone has to adjust to each other's different needs, abilities, housekeeping styles, parenting styles, personalities and quirks without creating needless conflicts. It can be a challenge, especially for women who are used to keeping their own homes and yearn for independence, now that they're away from a controlling partner.

Because shelters are monitored by the local Board of Health, Fire Department and other regulatory bodies, they must maintain higher standards in some areas than women might in their own homes. Kitchen and bathroom sanitation, food preparation, fire safety, and other things may have to be kept to very strict levels, for everyone's health and comfort. Many shelters do not allow smoking inside the building. All shelters require their guests to remain clean and sober from drugs and alcohol for the duration of their stay.

In a shelter, women may find themselves living in close quarters with people from very different cultural backgrounds, educational levels, ethnic or religious groups, and life histories than their own. This can be an enriching experience, but it can also create tensions. The important thing to remember is that every woman in the shelter has one thing in common: she was abused, and has come here to heal herself and begin a new life. While in shelter, no battered woman needs to feel alone.

Because of the relatively short time a woman may stay in the shelter, she will need to take advantage of all the available resources to find housing and reach her goals for independence. Because the process of applying for affordable housing can be a long one, some women may need to transfer to another shelter and continue their housing search if they come to the end of their ninety-day stay.

Finding and Being Admitted to a Shelter

Shelter space is limited. Most shelters will not accept women who live near the shelter, because of the risk that her batterer will find her. The further away a woman can afford to go to enter shelter, the safer she will be. If she can legally and feasibly move to a shelter in another state, she should think about doing so.

Shelters will usually do a screening or intake interview with a prospective guest. The primary purpose of the interview will be to determine if a woman is in a domestic violence situation and needs an emergency shelter. She may be referred to more appropriate resources, such as a homeless shelter, if her situation warrants it. The interviewer will also ask basic informational questions, and determine if the woman or her children have any medical conditions or other special needs. If the woman is accepted to the shelter, she will need to arrange transportation. The shelter will be able to tell her what assistance may be available if she has no vehicle or money of her own.

Many shelters require women to have restraining orders in place against their abusers, both for their protection and for the shelter's. A restraining order will also give a woman temporary custody of her children, so that she will not be charged with parental kidnapping.

Shelter availability and general protocols vary on a state-to-state basis. Your local domestic violence agency can help you find available shelters. In Massachusetts, you can call the state-wide toll-free hotline, SafeLink, at 1-877-785-2020.