Who Can Be A Batterer?
Controlling Behaviors
Character Traits of Batterers
Why Do Batterers Act This Way?
Can Batterers Be Helped?

Among the most painful questions domestic violence counselors hear from abused persons is, "Why does my partner act this way? I just don't understand why I'm being treated like this!" Many people have difficulty understanding how anyone could deliberately terrorize and hurt the very individuals who love them and are most intimate with them. But there are some fairly obvious reasons that batterers continue to abuse their partners.

1. Battering is the only way the abuser has learned to get what he or she wants. Battering is a conscious, learned behavior--not simply a lack of control. Through their lives, batterers found that battering works to get what they want from a partner. At the same time, batterers failed to learn normal, mature, equality-based ways of relating to other adults and negotiating to get their needs met. They also, often, failed to learn how to meet their own needs internally, and are dependent on their intimate partner. Writer Isaac Asimov once said, "Violence is the last resort of the incompetent." Batterers are incompetents in adult relationships (in much the same way that child molestors are usually incapable of normal sexual relationships with adults). The only way they know to manage an intimate relationship is through control and terrorism.
   
   
2. Society and traditional values support the batterer. Our society is filled with messages supporting quick, easy, violent solutions to complex problems. Entertainment and recreation is often based on "play" violence. A growing conservative movement discourages couples from breaking up and supports male dominence and female passivity within marriages. The home is considered private, and what goes on there nobody else's business. With all of these cultural messages, batterers find it easy to rationalize and excuse their actions. The batterer usually has friends and family who defend the batterer and support the violence, especially if the batterer plausibly blames the partner for provoking the abuse.
   
   
3. Battering has more rewards than disadvantages. It's still difficult to stop batterers or punish them for their actions. Their partners are often ambivalent. Battered men, gays and lesbians may be ashamed or afraid to report the abuse at all. Police, courts and judges may become impatient with an abused person who won't press charges or drops a restraining order after a first incident, and brush off his or her complaints later on. Many batterers have little fear of consequences for their actions. At the same time, they're getting what they want from their partners.

Intervention in early childhood (anti-bullying education, anger management, teaching about healthy relationships, teaching ethical courses in non-violence), changing our cultural acceptance of problem-solving by violence, addressing belief systems and mores that support battering, and increasing consequences for domestic abuse will all be needed to prevent battering behavior.