Who Can Be A Batterer?
Controlling Behaviors
Character Traits of Batterers
Why Do Batterers Act This Way?
Can Batterers Be Helped?

There are a number of "danger signs" that can help identify a potential batterer before the relationship has gone too far. A person with these traits may or may not batter a given partner. However, virtually all batterers have some of these traits in their histories or personalities, and the more extreme the abuse, the more the batterer tends to fit the profile.

Danger Signs of A Potential Batterer:

• The person grew up in a violent family or cultural community. Such a person may have learned to think of violence as "normal" or as part of a typical relationship. He or she may have seen fathers batter mothers, siblings batter their girlfriends, or incest in the home. He or she may have been abused or molested as a child. People from such backgrounds often swear they will never act that way themselves, but fall into abusive behavior under the new stresses of marriage or parenting. It's the only model they've had for those situations.
  
  
• The person has a history of reacting to problems with violence. If a person has a criminal record for assault, brags about getting into fights or "getting even" with someone through vandalism or "beating them up" or has a history of previous abusive relationships, avoid getting involved! Disproportionate anger in response to small stresses, "road rage," destroying property and objects when angry, and cruelty to animals are also top danger signs of a potential batterer.
  
  
• The person has been involved in a series of previous battering relationships. Unfortunately, this can be the last thing that a new partner learns about a batterer. But if this information does come out, the new relationship should be ended immediately (with safety precautions). "Serial batterers" do not change. They only get worse.
  
  
• The person has problems with alcohol and/or drug abuse. Alcohol and drug abuse don't cause battering behaviors, but they can make the violence worse. A batterer may use the alcohol or drugs to excuse or rationalize his or her actions.
  
  
• (Men) The person has strong traditional ideas about male/female relationships. Male batterers may have belief systems that place women in a subordinate and subservient role to men, teach that women are inferior or less spiritual than men, or dictate that women must be oppressed to keep from tempting men or being unchaste. Such a man may be part of a community that supports his beliefs and his battering when it "keeps his wife in line." He may also express strong opinions about proper "masculine" and "feminine" behavior and appearance, be very stereotypically "macho" himself, and be extremely bigoted against gay males.
  
  
• (Men) The person has a low or contemptuous attitude toward women in general. Male batterers may objectify women, seeing them as less than human or as only good for sex. Such a man may use degrading sexual epithets to refer to women, or display offensive pornography. Less obviously, a potential batterer may show a consistent lack of respect for women in general, by interrupting them, making remarks about women's alleged inferiority, attitudes, lack of intelligence or incompetence. Divorced men who talk about their ex's in extremely critical and denigrating terms may be batterers, blaming their previous partners.
  
  
• The person seems emotionally out of control or extreme. A potential batterer often has a quick temper. But all of his or her emotions may be exaggerated. He or she may go through intense highs and lows. Emotions are acted out intensely: when angry, the person is consumed with rage; when affectionate, the person floods his or her partner with gifts, flowers, and expressions of love. The person's emotions are so strong that even the positive ones are a little frightening.
  
  
• The person has a "dual personality." A potential batterer may seem like two entirely different people, sometimes kind and loving, at other times harsh, critical, sarcastic and abusive. The biggest danger signal to look for here is when these moods appear. A batterer will often present a charming and affable face to the world and turn into a devil at home. If the person seems able to control his or her "duality" and use it to advantage, he or she is almost certainly a batterer.
  
  
• The person is unreasonably jealous. This will tend to increase as the relationship develops. A potential batterer will start by questioning a partner's other friendships, and will try to get the partner to break previous social committments, spend less time with other people, and so on. As time goes on, the potential batterer will become more suspicious, even paranoid, about the partner's other social activities and contacts, and more hostile to interactions with others. A batterer may accuse the abused partner of flirting with or propositioning everyone the partner encounters, of having affairs or of cheating on the batterer. The batterer may follow the abused partner wherever she goes, force him to quit his job and other outside activities, trace her phone calls, monitor his computer use and even tally the mileage on her car.
  
  
• The person seems emotionally dependent on the partner. This also will start slowly and increase as the relationship develops. The potential batterer may begin to tell the partner that he or she "couldn't live without you" and threaten suicide if the partner talks about breaking up. The potential batterer may also be socially inept and rely on the partner to "stand in" for him or her in basic social or family gatherings. He or she may have few or no friends, or drop them in order to spend time exclusively with the partner.
  
  
• The person expects his or her partner to follow orders and advice. A potential batterer becomes upset, even outraged, when his or her advice isn't taken. At the same time, he or she ignores or is upset by criticism or advice from the partner. The potential batterer wants to be "in command," always making decisions, having the last word and running the relationship. He or she doesn't tolerate "back talk" or disagreement. On dates, the couple will always go where the potential batterer wants to, and do what he or she wants to do.
  
  
• The person has weapons and seems obsessed with them. Even if the person has never threatened a partner with a weapon, obsession with them is cause for concern. If the person owns weapons (guns of any kind, military style knives, martial arts equipment, etc), talks about them, shows them to his or her partner, fondles them and plays with them, it's a danger sign. A person who threatens or brags about using weapons against people, or to "get even" is almost certainly a batterer.
  
  
• The new relationship is already abusive. A person in a dating relationship is a batterer if he or she is already using verbal abuse (swearing, shouting, criticism, cutting remarks), emotional abuse (guilt-tripping, "you would if you really loved me") or physical abuse (pushing, hitting, rough sex). This abuse will only get worse. Partners of batterers sometimes get trapped in abusive relationships because they saw these warning signs but didn't realize the danger. They may have believed that the batterer was just "going through a hard time," or that they could change him or her. They may have believed they were provoking the abuse, or that the batterer wouldn't be abusive after marriage, or if there was a baby. (In fact, both marriage and pregnancy cause battering violence to increase.)

You can't change a batterer by becoming part of his or her pattern of abuse.

Get out of a relationship with a potential batterer before it's too late.

If you're already afraid that it might not be safe to break up, contact a domestic violence agency and ask for help.